RWA 11 here I come, but for those of you not attending here’s my evil plan. >:) I’m going to find the most excellent agent in the world and sell a book.  The order of those two things doesn’t matter as long as they both happen.  And, you’ll be happy to know, The Boy talked my out of bringing rope and duct tape…what?  I always like to be prepared and dang it! Sometimes a little extra leverage is needed when beggi..I mean negotiating. ;)

What does all this mean?  Well, I won’t have anything new to post until I get back.  Then I’ll have plenty of stuff.  Pictures too. Heheheh.  Maisey Yates, Christine Bell, Roni Loren, Jamie Wesley and a few others think it’s an innocent luncheon date on Friday, but they’d be wrong.  Next day headlines?  Writer’s Gone Wild and M. gets rich selling the much-sought-after proofs. Hey, don’t judge me. I gotta eat. :D

So, until then, here are some of my favorite past posts that were definitely snow globe worthy.

 

Gee, I wish I could pack this sucker in my suitcase.  Last year there were plenty of WTF moments. Ah, good times…


GOD YOU SMELL GOOD

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

INTRODUCING A STUPENDOUS SEXUAL PHRASE THAT INSPIRES

SEX, LIES AND A SPANKING

M.

*waves* we miss you Jami

In my last post I dealt with what your mail says about you.  But people! Forget the junk mail.  What does your closet say about you?  I don’t know about anyone else, but my closet screams:

M, you’re a freaking optimist who suffers from a split personality disorder that caters to your grand illusions.

Do you think that’s a bad thing? ;)

Of course it is!  Holy fashion graveyard.  Wait, if it’s a graveyard what does that make me.  Ms.  Frankenstyler?  Because, you know, I’m hanging onto this dated chic for the morbid intentions of resurrecting it one day.

Do I care that I’d have to starve myself for a year, or maybe two, to fit back into them?  Nope.  Am I upset that the styles don’t work for me because I’m older now? Nope.  Why?   Grand illusions.

Do I question why I keep the array of plaids, stripes and *gasp* glittery gold and silver apparel that would make Lady Gaga’s wardrobe look like a nun’s ensemble on her day off?  Nope.  Why?  Split personality.  Seriously, I had to have one, two…ten -screw Ishmael, call me Sybil- over the last twenty some odd years.  How else can I justify not only buying,  but wearing that nauseating collage of colors that looks – Oh. MY. GOD. – like my mother’s wardrobe used to look to me when I was ten.  Funky.  Weird.  Dated. *cringe* An oddity I wanted no part of.

Blink.  Blink.

Wow.  Like I don’t have enough to worry about trying to find something decent to wear to RWA 11.  This is just great. *hangs head* then *looks up* Meh, I’ll just have to rock my shoes.  I luurve my shoes!  But will I have the time to go through all of them and pick my favorite ones before conference time?  Maybe.  And gee, if I’m lucky I might find some appropriate clothes to wear along with them.  If not…well, it could be interesting.  Just saying.

M

domestic dispute

 

Wow, thanks Mr. Postman.

Imagine my surprise when I sort through my mail today and the first four official looking envelopes (thank-you sneaky junk mailers) I received, give me pause.  Eek!  Was someone trying to tell me something?

I opened the first useless envelope (cryptically disguised as real mail) and find it’s a coupon for two bucks off of a set of shoe lifts when you buy three or more pairs.

Shoe lifts?  Seriously?  Hmm… this would have killed me if I were – at all - sensitive about my shortness.

Second one is a letter introducing the greatest weight loss pill ever scientifically engineered.  This one cut deep.  *thinks for a moment* Meh, I’ll keep it. I can use the coupon for the lifts and tall up – thereby thinning out.  Haven’t I always maintained that I’m too short for my weight? ;)

Third?  Holy Crapatola! Time to kick Carlo Rossi out of the house.  I mean, how the hell did I get on my local liquor stores private mailing list?  A list so exclusive they deliver the weekly specials in an envelope with gold trim?  Drat! I knew I was paying too much for that wine.

Now, the fourth letter was a classic.  It seems I’ve been personally invited to the next singles mixer at our nearby recreation center.  WTF?  Gee, I wonder how Honey will feel about this as you know, husbands have a tendency to frown on those types of extramarital occurrences. O_O

So there you have it.  Statistically speaking, marketers think I’m a short, fat, drunken slut who needs help in the man department.

Hey, I’ve just had an epiphany .  A new game specially designed for writers.  It’s called Junk Mail Yahtzee. (JMY for short)  *brightens* Can you spell character builder?

I pause here to reflect on my brilliance.  Then…

*Insert me deflating like a leaky tire*   Shucks, with the kind of junk mail I’m receiving these days it’s more along the lines of character assassination.

Drat!  No JMY for me.

Wait, there is a way I can keep my Junk-Mail-Yahtzee dreams alive…But dare I pilfer the neighbors box for better junk?

Absolutely.  Hey, I’m a short, fat, drunken slut.  What do I have to lose?

Riley

That’s right folks!  FREE.  No minimum purchase – no buy one get one – this is FREE – FREE – FREE!

*Sigh* It doesn’t get any better than this, right?  Here are the Books, links, and promo codes needed.  Go get em, guys!!!!!!

 

Monday’s FREE BOOK is:
The Debutante’s Dilemma by Elyse Mady
Just type in the promo code DEBUTANTEFREE at checkout
(insert the following link: http://ebooks.carinapress.com/ContentDetails.htm?ID=50C0978A-DAC7-44E7-B627-C26A520471C0

Tuesday’s FREE BOOK is:
Demon’s Fall by Karalynn Lee
Just type in the promo code DEMONFREE at checkout
(insert following link: http://ebooks.carinapress.com/ContentDetails.htm?ID=1E5A3A07-9BC7-4449-9B8F-377C21E2F664

Wednesday’s FREE BOOK is:
The Twisted Tale of Stormy Gale by Christine Bell
Just type in the promo code TWISTEDFREE at checkout
(insert following link: http://ebooks.carinapress.com/ContentDetails.htm?ID=D79D7CD6-1BAA-4D2E-AE65-FF0E42F79BE7

Thursday’s FREE BOOK is:
Blue Galaxy by Diane Dooley
Just type in the promo code GALAXYFREE at checkout
(insert following link: http://ebooks.carinapress.com/ContentDetails.htm?ID=827CC21D-6F33-437A-977B-B0F291B70367

Friday’s FREE BOOK is:
Friendly Fire by Megan Hart
Just type in the promo code FRIENDLYFREE at checkout
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This post will be up and the link to it tweet all week.  It’s just such an amazing opportunity.  Thanks to Carina Press, and of course, to the talented authors who created these awesome stories!

M.

Yup, it all started with two cans of mushy peas.  By all, I mean, me realizing I was getting my groove back. For a while there, I feared I’d lost my sense of humor and bizarre quirkiness that makes me who I am.

Fear not, for I have returned.

Hmm… then again, maybe a little fear on your part would be prudent on account of me being totally unpredictable.

Okay.  Picture this:  There’s me going through the security checkpoint in Gatwick Airport.  I’m expecting no hassles because…well, I left the US without a hitch, seeeew easy-peasy, right?  Wrong.  The Boy’s aunt (did I ever mention that The Boy is English? No?  Well he is.) had me pack two cans of mushy peas for him as a little taste of home, as it were.  I thought it was sweet – not the mushies, but the gesture.  Anyway, when eagle-fleagle eyes (aka JN: security jack-nut) caught sight of them in the x-ray machine, you would have thought I was trying to transport TNT or something.  Suddenly I was accosted – and me and my mushy pea packed bag – were hauled over to a metal table where *gasp* they were going to unpack all my stuff in front of the condescending  masses.

That’s right.  I was now a security risk because of two cans of questionable vegetables, that everyone, including Jack-nut,  said were virtually inedible.  So, while shifty eyed, profusely sweating, and nervously twitching potential terrorists, breezed by me, I was the only one up for interrogation.  Now, I ask you, is that fair?  Nope.  And the more in-depth the questions became the more pissed off I got.  And that’s when it happened.  Bingo.  My groove hit the ground and I ran with it.  Here’s the conversation:

Me: “Just take the two cans out, okay?”

Jacknut: “I wish I could, but now I have to search the whole bag.”

Me: “For what, pray tell?  More canned vegetables?”

JN: Does the equivalent of an English eye-roll, which is totally annoying, and then tops that off with a.  “Yes, miss.”

When he starts pulling out one item at a time and patting them down like I was a sneaky smuggler of farm items – I started thinking how awkward this situation could be for both of us if I had anything in there that was…you know, risque.

Hmm… >:)

It was at this point I noticed that the other two security guards have their eyes peeled our way and an idea came to me.

Heheheh

Me: “I ah, have some unmentionable things in there.”

JN: His eyes light up with interest.  “Shall we go behind the screen, then?”

Me: “No.”

JN: “No? Are you sure. It’ll give you some privacy.”

Me: I did the American ‘nah, it’s okay’ hand-wave.  “No worries.  I don’t mind if you don’t.  I mean, it’s not like you’ll be going through my dirty undies or anything.  It’s just a few ‘man pleaser’ things for my husband.” I pop my eyebrows suggestively and lean in to whisper.  “I like to spice things up that way.”

JN: Swallows hard and blushes and when his hand wrapped around my thick barreled curling iron I thought he was going to pass out until he realized what it was and sighed with relief.

Me: Enjoying myself thoroughly while at the same time doing my best not to laugh.  Especially when he got to the last item and took it out of the bag.  Man, I tell you, he searched the empty confines again like he was desperate and disappointed. Poor guy.

Me: “All done?”

JN: With brows furrowed.  “Yes, but I thought there were…”

Me: Smiling.  “Man pleasing items in there?” his blush deepens. “ Nope.  I just wanted you to be as uncomfortable as you’ve managed to make me.”

JN: Blink.  Blink.

Me: “Gee, although that was a giggle, I’m guessing me watching you pack this bag back up, in the exact way I had it arranged, will be even more entertaining.”

And, you know something?  It was… :)

Riley

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