big balls

Boom, boom, I see your hiney.
Boom, boom, it’s nice and shiny.
Boom, boom, if you don’t hide it.
Boom, boom, I’m gonna bite it.

That’s what I was singing yesterday after Honey came in from fixing my staghorn fern. A couple of things to note before I tell you why. First off, I can’t spend too long writing this post because I’m on a self-imposed deadline and I might have to fire me if I don’t meet my target date. Now, as to why Honey was out in a hundred and four degree weather in the middle of the blazing afternoon sun yesterday fixing my plant? Well, Steven King and his harem decided to take up residence and turn my fourteen-year-old leafy beauty into a Swiss cheese condo of horticultural disaster for the purposes of bedding down with his beauties.

I know, right? I couldn’t believe he was screwing in all the peat-moss either, but the furry little bastard was. Trust me. The bits of flying tufts and the whole structure swinging like a dizzy pendulum was hard to ignore. So, I insisted Honey go out yesterday afternoon and chase them out. I begged him to re-stuff the interior with more peat and then wrap it in wire so Casanova and his hussies would have to go back to their more-than-adequate pine needle hut in the oak tree.

Easy-peasy, right? For me because I was sitting in the cool AC while Honey sweat his ass off trying to fix the darn thing. I watched until I heard the swear words he growled begin to get raunchy. That’s when I went back to my computer.  Ten minutes later he comes in and when I see him I actually feel bad. His shirt is plastered to him like second-skin and well, the rest of him is dripping wet too. Here’s the conversation:

Me. “Gee, it must be really hot out.”

He glares.

Picture me with wide innocent eyes here. “Is it all fixed?”

He doubles up on the glare. “No. I need to change, then I’ll finish it up.”

Hm… *I scratch my head* “You’re going to change before you finish? You’ll ruin another outfit.”

“Yeah, it’s a piss off.”

There I am frowning until he walks by and I can see his whole ass. And I do mean the whole enchilada as his boxers are soaked so they’re transparent and the entire seat of his pants are torn and hanging in tatters down to the back of his thighs. I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing.

Yeah, that glare? It turned into a “if looks could kill* expression. “Haha, funny. You want to fix the damn thing?”

No way in hell, so I stopped laughing. “Sorry, what happened?”

“This is what I get for over thinking things.I was worried the little prick would pee on the pliers. He’s done that before, so I put them in my back pocket and when they got stuck…” He left off with a shrug.

*Insert the wheels turning here* *cue light bulb moment here* Honey’s temper flared and he yanked them out of his pocket so hard he tore his own pants. Delightful. “Temper got the best of you, huh?”

“No, it was those beady black eyes staring at my ass that’s freaking me out. I could swear he was laughing at me.” He got halfway to our room when he stopped.  “F*#k!”


“I left the Go$%#$* pliers out there. What do you want to bet that rodent’s already peed on them?”

Yeah, I kept silent on that note because I don’t like parting with my hard earned cash. I kept that thought to myself as I walked off humming that tune. It stuck with me all day!

Boom, boom. 😉