THE CHALLENGE? DECONSTRUCTING THE ROMANCE NOVEL!

It occurred to me that I have had a run on beautiful and feisty heroines with their hunkier than hunkster heroes for far too long. So I’ve decided to deconstruct the romance novel. Yep, it’s true. Once a week on this blog I’m going to add a scene to my (I’m borrowing from Seinfeld here) bizarro world romance.

Here’s the deal. Normally a perfect title would be Beloved Captive, but not in bizarro world. I’m thinking… ah, Unloved Wanderer. Perfect. Now, *cracks knuckles* heroine’s attributes. In the real writing world my gals are usual of below-average height, curvy with nice sized breasts and features that are either adorable or stunning or in some cases both. In this bizarro world? I’m thinking this heroine has to be six two with a size fourteen shoe. Well, either that or the next size up, the box. She has numerous curves. Unfortunately they’re just not in the right places. Things that curve on her?  Her spine, fingers and even toes that crookedly curl upward. As for her features? Easy. Rat-like beady eyes, Durante type big nose and lips so thin it looks like her face is eating them. That is, until she smiles and then her “could eat corn-on-the-cobb through a pick fence teeth” – that have nothing on Mr. Ed, make one realize those lips are to be commended for the job they do hiding all the snaggle.

Now, normally at this point in my writing process I would detail what kind of skin she has, hair color and some other super special things – mannerisms or habits, but I make it a point to leave those to my hero to introduce to the reader. <- This will be the X factor for my latest creation. I’m not going to name these things. I will simply let them unfold from one scene to the next.

Now for the hero. *takes deep breath* I’m thinking he has to be five foot one, a size six shoe and have soft little dove eyes. Maybe with the cutest pertly turned up nose and ruddy cheeks. I love me some ruddy cheeks. Instead of the cut bod with the six-pack stomach he’s going to remind one of the StayPuff Marshmallow Man, only like his dwarf, troll-worthy cousin. Same white skin, same lumpy physique, but think squashed…no, squat. Ooh, nothing spells smexxy to me better than a dough boy with head to toe muffin tops.

Um-kay, for the first scene next week? I’m thinking Larz (that’s the hero) spots Shermatta (his heroine who prefers to be called Sherm) at the local grocery store. It’s love at first sight for Larz when he spots this hulking, yet unique creature of loveliness, pawing her way through a bushel of avocados. Unlike the rest of the patrons he can’t turn away. He’s riveted by her linebacker moves and guttural grunts of dissatisfaction. This would explain why, when she snaps her head around and glares at him with those beady rat-like eyes he’s done for, because he’s always had a thing for rodents.

If you were writing this scene what would you incorporate? Or not?

Poor Larz… stay tuned.

Riley