Alrighty! If you haven’t watched the first two kitty scenes, here are the links. Just click on the pictures BUT YOU MUST BE 18 or OVER!!!!!
And here is the final scene
On Monday I’m going to post details of a giveaway that I’ll be doing on Tuesday. So stop back by for a chance to win an eBook copy of Required Surrender or your choice of one of my books from back list.
I always love saying that. Anyway here’s a slice of my life last night. Actually early this morning as what I’m about to share occurred in the wee hours. Here’s the setup. Honey and I are in bed and both of us were sound asleep in the pre-dawn darkness when this bird (I’m convinced it’s a loggerhead shrike) starts making noise. He’s loud, really loud and very passionate about whatever it is he wants to sing into the shadows. Anyway, I wake up and flop over onto my back. That’s when I notice Honey is already staring at the ceiling. After a full minute of us being quiet, side-by-side eyeing the ceiling while Mr. feathered Pavarotti belts out his tune, I whisper.
“It sounds like he’s saying ‘be scared, be scared, be scared.”
Honey grunts and then after a few seconds the bird’s chirping changes and I whisper, “Now it sounds like he saying, ‘run away, run away, run away.”
Again Honey grunts and once again, after a few seconds the bird’s chirping alters. “Now he sound like he saying ‘kill now, kill now, kill now’,” I whisper still staring up at the ceiling.
This time Honey’s head turns and I feel his eyes drilling into me through the darkness. “I’m sensing a theme. Should I be sleeping with one eye open?”
“No,” I assure without looking at him. Instead I close my eyes and snuggle deeper into the duvet with a sigh. “If I were going to take you out quick-like I’d want both your eyes opened so you know I did it.”
“Yeah, but I’m guessing if I was pushed to do something so drastic it would be because you really pissed me off. And that being the case? There’d be nothing quick about it. I’d use arsenic or Drain-o and poison you slowly over months and months. So your hair would fall out and your teeth would get weak. Your muscles too. Oh, and your brain would wilt…yeah, arsenic would be my choice. It’s easy enough to add to food as it’s barely detectable.”
By the time I was finished I knew my voice sounded like I was compiling a grocery list. I also knew Honey was up on elbow leaning over me. It was hard to keep a straight face because…well, the poor guy never really knows when I’m joking or serious and in this case? I just peppered in enough true-to-life-facts that he’d be worried I was plotting his demise.
I crack one eye open.
“Is there something I should know?”
“Nope.” He lies back down and I wait until he’s comfy when I add. “I mean if I told you it would defeat the whole stealthy purpose of getting away with it, wouldn’t it?”
And there I am, laughing my ass off in the early morning hours as Honey lunges for me and growls, “Come here you.” Just before he yanks me into his arms and playfully bites my neck. “Tell me again how you’d do me in.”
It’s at that moment I realize our little feathered Pavoratti-like friend had sung us a love song. How awesome. Giving Honey a hug I murmured, “How about I show you instead…”
A few minutes later I decided I was never going to cuss at the noisy guy ever again and that goes for the bird too.
This is what he looks like…the bird, I mean, not Honey.
You secretly curse your husband’s golf game. There, I said it! And yes, I did do it, but here’s the deal. He deserved it and well…I didn’t really think my hex would take. It did people! And now I’m going to hell. Wait. I’m not going to hell – I am in hell. With Honey swearing off the game because he played like crap yesterday, he’s going to be home both days over the weekend from now on. *eyes narrow as I stare across at the big picture and what do I see?* Is that a beautiful fairy in the background? No. No it’s not. It’s that big-ass bitch Karma coming to take a bite out of me. Hm. I’d rather take the bad with the good I suppose. (The good being that I love Honey, the bad being I’ll have him to love ALL weekend now) I guess I should count my blessings. *insert me trying to find the silver lining among the thunder clouds* Yeah, if I wanted perfection, I’d be one of those boney babes enjoying a candlelit dinner below. Actually, now that I look at it – they kind of look like they’re having fun, don’t they? Why the stunner in the middle looks to be laughing. She is. *shakes head* She better not be laughing at me!
So picture this. I’m in the car down South County, meaning that I’m about twenty-five miles south of my home, and I’ve just finished with an appointment. I put all my paperwork on the passenger seat and toss my purse on it. Only, my purse hits the center between the seats and suddenly the navigation system screen is all lit up and there’s fancy looking red arrows and everything.
I shall pause here in the telling as I must share one important fact about me you need to know to understand why this “coming on” is a huge deal. I am a big picture person…as in, no details for me. If there are instructions to anything – putting furniture together or cooking a specific dish even – I usually toss them aside. In the case of furniture I pull out all the parts and hardware and wing putting it together. Hey, I maintain life’s more interesting this way because you never know if the darn thing will unexpectedly collapse. Of course, the first time this happened Honey decided it was best if I left this kind of stuff up to him. *beams* that could not have turned out better for me I’m thinking, but hey, I digress. Back to the navigation system. I never use it. I never programed it and if my purse hadn’t hit a button I wouldn’t have even known how to turn it on. For me, when I see an address I have a fair idea where it is and I get to the area and poke around until I find the actual place. Drives Honey completely batty that’s why I never drive when we go out together. So yeah, seeing the thing on when I was in the driver’s seat and hearing “her” shouting orders at me was a little weird, but it got even weirder as I made my way home.
Imagine if you will, I’m driving due east and I can, at any time, make a left turn at several different intersections to go north and eventually hit Main Street that will get me home. I could but I don’t want to because I like to go across to the last street which is a Causeway for no other reasons than there’s water on either side. Which means there are birds, boats, jumping fish and more importantly, no cops stealthily hidden in bushes to catch me speeding through the mile and a half of traffic-light-free road (don’t tell, okay?) Anyway, there I am passing each street intent upon my stretch of highway heaven and Ms. Navigation Nuisance is screaming at me.
“Take your next left. Your next left is approaching. You are approaching the left-hand turn. Veer into the left-hand lane.”
I pass it of course and when I do, I’m treated to her condescending silence until she eventually perks up spying the next left turn. Sheesh! Talk about nagging. For all that though, I will say at this point, that I was interested to see how she’d direct me to get home once I was over the Causeway…yet it never happened. Instead, I was on the road heading toward the water when she said, “Destination is on the left .08 of a mile.”
There’s me thinking, Destination is on the left? You smoking hardwired crack today or something?
She nags on, “Veer into the left lane and safely make a legal U-turn.”
I’m not going to lie, I was calling her a crazy ass-well, never mind about that right now, suffice it to say that I was just about to turn her off when I see the big Key West style building with a huge, totally hot sign out front complete with stylized naked legs. The moment my eyes hit on the gleaming black, five-inch stilettos, a number of things occur to me and I veer into the left lane to make my legal U turn.
The most important factor? Honey borrowed my car the day before when he and his out-of-town visitor buddy went to grab a beer. As I pull into the gentleman’s club parking lot I’m thinking a beer wasn’t all they were grabbing. >:) So, there’s me staring at the building realizing that the damn bugger didn’t lie to me, but neither did he disclose the full truth. “Beer.” I snort. It is to laugh.
I got out of the car with my cell phone and took a picture of the place. Then I texted it to him with the words, “Lookie where your little navigation sweetie directed me to. You are so busted!”
He texts back, “If you’re going in, ask for Tanya. She’s cute, she looks like you, but you have a much sweeter ass.”
Here again, I’m not going to lie to you, I was a little less pissed with the addition of the compliment, but he’d never know it. Instead I was just about to get back in the car when that little devil on my shoulder…okay, big devil because that guy always wipes the floor with my perfect little angel that never wins in these kinds of decisions, pipes up. I hear “Don’t be a chicken. Go in and ask for Tanya. See if you can get a picture with her and text that back to Mr.-I-went-to-a-strip-joint-and-didn’t-tell-my-wife-busted guy!
So I do. I march in there like I own the place and ask for Tanya. Two seconds later I learned it was her day off. Drat! Then I have a look around and something else occurs to me. Something big! This is guy mecca ladies! Seriously, I usually go into a restaurant and see maybe one or two good looking guys that make me go, Hm. But in this place? I counted at least five maybe more. Seven could have been. Yes Way! So, you know what I had to do? I had to stay for a drink. Oh, and I also had to ignore Honey’s texts coming in, as you know he knows when I’m quiet it usually never ends well for him.
And it didn’t…
When I got home he was there and it was with a very bright smile that I handed him the three business cards I was given by various guys who came over to talk, while I sat all by my lonesome at the “Gentleman’s Club”. Then I mentioned that it was Tanya’s day off, but that Nicole had a damn fine ass and the next time he went there he should hire her for a lap-dance because I did and it was awesome.
You ever seen a kid locked out of a candy store? Notice the expression? That’s what Honey looked like when I told him about Nicole. Heheheh. Then he looked like a ghost when I added that this was the best kept secret in the world, but not for long as I was going to shout it out as loud as my little blog site would let me. So now, without further ado…
*Brackets hands around mouth to make the words echo*
All you single ladies out there! An upscale gentleman’s club is filled with men. Tons of men and if some of the ones I met the other day, were telling me the truth, these guys are not only single, but totally into a woman who is confident enough to sit on her own at strip joint. Spread the word.
Riley, who has been assured that she just got her guy kicked out of the club. Literally. Again, people, *beams* this could not have turned out better for me I’m thinking. *leans in to whisper* With him on the outs, at least there is no chance I’ll be running into him when I go back.
Now *taps front tooth with index finger* where to begin? Well, after I recovered from my stress and anxiety over possibly being possessed and Honey laughing his ass off at me, I refocused and plotted to get even with him. I’m bad like that. So, after much silent deliberation, a few stricken plans and a stiff martini, it came to me. I needed to play on his fears. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. There isn’t much Honey fears. After all, he was the only guy brave enough to marry me.
So there I am running down the list of possible things to prey on. Depressingly enough it was a very short list. Real short. Okay, there was only one item on it and even that was questionable as we’ve never had occasion to test his reaction to an encounter of the third kind, but that didn’t deter me. Nope, I was running with the sucker. Alien invasion it is.
*Pauses in the story telling briefly to offer* For those of you at home who’d like to try this recipe yourselves, you’ll need: One laser pointer, one pair of brand new lacey (by that I mean extremely slutty) panties, a bra that does nothing more than decorate skin and a new sex toy. This last one is important as it MUST be something that in a million years you would NEVER EVER buy for you or your honey (think Fed-Ex even has to black bag this one and the guy delivering has to wear gloves to bring the package to your door) BUT *cough cough* you know your honey wouldn’t turn it away once he lays eyes on it and you wouldn’t *clears throat* turn him away if he said he wanted to use it with you or whatever. Other than these items you need time, patience and stiff upper lip so you don’t burst out laughing once you begin.
Erotic pay back night one:
I keep to my usual bedtime routine only this time after I turn off the lights and head to bed, I hook that pair of panties on the corner of a picture. I have also brought the laser pointer to bed with me, stuffing it under my pillow. Then I fall asleep until the bewitching hour. That’s when I usually wake up for no apparent reason and stare at the ceiling for an hour. Invariably, Honey wakes up and we usually discuss why we’re both awake. Not this night though. Instead I roll over really hard and purposely wake him and then pretend I’m asleep. I wait until he’s staring at the ceiling and that’s when I slowly shift my arm over the side of the bed and use the pointer. Moving only my fingers I make the red dot shoot erratically around the room until I get his attention. I know I can’t fool around with it too long or he’ll be on to me. So I slam the dot right to the panties on the corner of the picture and then I dance it back and forth really fast and shut it off. Of course he jumps up out of bed and goes to right to the spot. I’ll give the guy credit. He unhooked the panties and shook his head, before he tossed them on the dresser and went to the window to peer through the blinds. I was a little disappointed when he basically shrugged and came back to bed, but then I reminded myself I needed to be patient and that stiff upper-lip I mentioned? Boy did I need that the next morning over coffee. The look on his face when I went after him over the white lace crotch-less panties I found on my dresser? Absolutely priceless. Actually, the four calls he made to me during the day to swear up and down he didn’t know where they came from gave me the warm and fuzzies if you really want to know the truth. I’m so bad.
Erotic pay back night two – three days later (that’s key to making this whole bizarre thing work) patience…
This time I hook the sexy, but decorative bra on the dresser draw pull as I go to bed. I basically do the same thing as before. Only this time when he wakes up at bewitching hour he springs up immediately. I nearly got caught, but then he was less concerned with the light than he was with the appearance of the bra. This time he didn’t toss the item on the dresser. He came around to my side of the bed and woke me. After assuring him that it wasn’t mine and he better not be drinking or fooling around with another woman he went and checked the doors and peered out that window again. Then he came back and swore he didn’t know where it came from. This is when he told me about the mysterious red light. So, me, being the loving wife that I am, I patted his hand and joked that maybe we were being visited by kinky aliens or something. He didn’t like the sound of that. Poor guy… >:)
Erotic pay back night three – two nights later.
I deposited my toy of choice on his dresser this time and for the first little while lying in bed I was worried he was going to get up ahead of schedule and check around. But then he pulled me in close and hugged me tight. Really tight as though he was worried. I’m not going to lie. At this point I was feeling kind of bad and thinking I might have made a mistake. I didn’t like this, but then he fell asleep and I reasoned it would all be over soon and I’d have my revenge on him. I pushed aside my guilt, reminded myself of those hounds of hell and eventually, in the wee hours when I woke up, I did my thing. But something was wrong. Honey didn’t spring up out of bed. No, he got up as if he was defeated. Tired. Worried. And then when he saw the toy on the dresser? Instead of snatching it up and coming over to me as I expected he picked it up and slowly examined it. After a full thirty seconds he squared his shoulders and I thought I heard him sigh. WTH? Why—finally he turned and headed for my side of the bed and I was thinking this was going to be interesting. I could hardly wait to hear what he had to say about this before I came clean. I was even thinking I’d wait until our morning coffee time, but then he shoved his arms under the duvet and with toy in hand he pushed upward. Traveling the length of my legs. I was shocked. The idea that the toy I’d chosen overrode all his worry and angst about us being visited by kinky aliens was freaking me out. Was the guy nuts? I wasn’t going to let him use that thing on me it could have alien germs on it. Ya, okay, I know that it didn’t but I also knew that he didn’t know this so yard-stick rule, right? Here’s our conversation in the darkness.
Me, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m giving my girl what she wants.”
“Excuse me?” You have to imagine I’m scrambling to get away from him at this point. The thought that I may have pushed him over the edge of reason is forefront in my mind because if you knew what kind of toy I bought…just saying. “Wait, there’s something I have to tell you.”
“All right,” he whispered. “You can tell me right after I show you what I found.” By now he’s right over me. His hands with that toy are right at my pillow. I’m almost hyperventilating when I’m not berating myself for being an ass over trying to get even with him in the first place.
“Look.” He stands up and uses the laser pointer to highlight the toy. It takes me a ten count to figure out what’s wrong with this picture. He wasn’t crowding me to put the moves on me. He was pushing his way up the bed to find the laser! How?
“Aww, man, how did you figure it out?”
“All my freaking planning wasted.”
I knew that tone. He wanted something and I knew what it was. Leaning back against the headboard, I grumbled, “I suppose I’m going to have play the kinky alien now?”
He shook his head. “Although that sounds like fun, how about I’ll be the alien and you can be the woman in fear of my invasion.”
That made me laugh, but I had to tell him. “I only got one part of that toy. Sorry to burst your extraterrestrial bubble, but it’s useless without the attachments.”
“Huh.” He bent over as if he were going to get on the bed, but then the mattress under me lifted and I slid sideways. “Good thing the mother ship beamed these down to me then.”
And there I was sitting in the middle of our bed staring up at the various attachments that I hadn’t had the nerve to buy. “You hid them between the mattresses? Wait…you ordered these? How long have you known about all this?”
“Since the day after the first invasion.”
“Before or after you made those four calls to me?”
“Damn, you’re a genius.”
“I have to be to keep up with you. Now what’s it going to be. A hostile takeover or a simple alien probe expedition?”
Heh, bet you can’t guess which one I chose? I assure you it did qualify as being out of this world.
And hey, the moral of this story? If you’re going to attempt to pull off this kind of caper you need to use cash to buy your props. Frigging stupid visa people! Who let everyone know whatcha got in your wallet…or in my case, what I had up my sleeve.