I’m often asked about this. I write about it. I blog about it. Well, mostly I blog about my honey, but it counts, right? So it got me to thinking. I usually share the broader side of our life with you guys because I’m such a private introverted person. *dodges massive lightning bolts* Anyway, I’m going to share a typical negotiation between Honey and I when he gets a smutastick idea. And trust me on this, he gets a lot of them. 0_o
To set the scene he has just pulled out the directions, diagrams, aerial photos complete with testimonials and the FBI surveillance tapes. Okay, I might be joking on the last because the Federal Bureau has a tendency to frown on leaked videos, ya know? So there I am peering down at the blanket of “educational material” through my suddenly steamed up readers and I’m wondering if he’s for real.
I wait for my glasses to defog and glare up at him over their rims, “You’re serious about this?”
The second that comes out I know he’s totally invested in getting me to agree as he didn’t so much say the word as he breezed it. He never breezes about the topic of sex. I do a double take at the materials and shake my head. “No.”
“Oh, don’t be so quick to shoot it down.”
Easy for him to say. “No.”
It’s at this point he starts pacing. I think he does this to distract me, but in this instance I’m focused in on the material so I’m basically ignoring him until he offers.
“We can do it in stages.”
“On the bed.”
“On the floor.”
“Up against the door.”
Freaking hell. Now I have this Dr. Seuss erotic rhyme thing going on in my head and before I know it I’m mentally working out how I can parlay a sexy short poetic book into the marketplace, when I hear him.
“In the swimming pool.”
This is when I know he’s just making shit up. So I call his bluff.
He stops pacing and nearly trips over the ottoman. “Okay?”
“Yeah, but…” I snatch up a Post It Note and write down three words. When I stood up I stuck the yellow square on his chest and patted it down saying, “You have to buy these three items at the triple X store first. No cheating by ordering online. I want to see the receipt—” my wheels are spinning a mile a minute here, “—with the manager’s signature on it. In fact I want you to get the manager to put a smiley face right beside the dotted line.” Meh, that last was the equivalent of a cherry-on-top.
I walked away thinking now he’s calling my bluff, but two days later when I found the three items on my dresser with that receipt, signed and stamped with not only a smiley face, but what I’m assuming was a sloppy thumbs up, all I could do was LMAO!
The silly man was so focused in on winning and getting his way I highly doubt he gave those three items a second thought. Because, HELLO! If he had he probably shouldn’t have bought them. *Dusts off palms with a sense of heady satisfaction* At least now I have a few things to use as leverage when we revisit his smutastick plans. Heheheh. Poor guy he has no idea what he’s in for. *twirls my invisible handlebar mustache before I get ready to tie him to the tracks* I’ll keep you Post It.