I figured I’d put that disclaimer out there because I love Santa Claus…and after he reads this I know I’ll be on his naughty list. Which isn’t so bad. I’m sure if I buy myself the right kind of gifts, the big guy will come around. *Wink, wink*
*Drum roll please*
And now without further ado, here is that post I promised. Read it and weep. Yes, weep. Seriously, you should be shedding tears of joy that you didn’t get these delivered to your house the way I did.
Check out this slice of Riley’s life…if you dare. 😉
Not impressed? Take a gander.
Um, yeah. Anyways, here’s the conversation I had with my daughter about it. Please keep in mind that I ordered certain items in two separate occasions from a particular female friendly – as in very friendly online store – and the Giant’s swab was the first “Free gift” I received with purchase.
And, no, I’m not going to mention that I lucked out getting a “free gift” on account of the size of my order. BUT if I was going to share that info I would be compelled to add that it’s all for story research.
So, phew, good thing I don’t have to tell you that – because I’m already in enough trouble with Santie- ’nuff said, right?
Now for Exhibit B
Stunned I was…
But, wait, there’s more…
In case you haven’t guessed, this was the *Free gift* with my second order. *curls fingers and examines my fingernails, while I give you a chance to digest this*
Well, for starters, if you’re anything like me, you should be having a
Goldilocks moment here. As in, “Oh, dear me, the first vibrating phallic is too big, and the second is too small…”
*Looks right at you and lifts a dubious brow* Don’t assume there’s a happily ever after here, because there ain’t. I haven’t placed a third order. But now that I think about it? Maybe I should. You know, just for the “free gift” and to see if it’s just right.
Alright, alright, I promise to post what I get when I order.
*Looks away and that looks back at you*
You guys know me too well. Heheheh.
But back to the conversation I had with my daughter. I’m laughing right now even before I get this down. Ah, good times…
I’ll set this up, but don’t ask me what the Q-Tip was doing under the spare bed in the guest room. I think I put it there when we were renovating my closet. I SO did not want Honey to see the beast – but, yeah, you know, that didn’t work out. Especially after my daughter got involved.
*Cries laughing thinking about that*
So imagine one day, when my daughter and I are looking for the suitcases that I have a tendency to shove under beds because I love my closet space. There I am on one side of the guest bed and she’s on the other. We are both on our hands and knees scanning under the bed when…? Yep, our eyes lock on the monster at the same time.
Seriously, I’ve never seen the girl move so fast as she did that day. She had the beast (in a box – a very clear box that made it seem more daunting) in hand so quickly I was left staring at the swinging bed skirt for a full 30 count before I unbent and our gazes locked across the width of the mattress.
She didn’t blink. “What. Is. This?”
I didn’t blink either. “A dildo.”
She did a double take and then scowled. “I know what it is, mom.”
She looked so adorable getting ready to read me the riot act, I had to say something to deflate what was sure to be another one of those, “Oh, mom” conversations. “It looks like a giant’s ear swab. His big honking Q-Tip. An audio bottle-brush, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah it does. Where did you get it?”
I wasn’t going to have that conversation with her, because she might want to see the other stuff I ordered…and that wasn’t happening.
Did I mention that I think fast on my feet? No? I do. So I stood up and said, “Oh, you wait right there. You haven’t seen the best yet. This will kill you.”
Of course, I rushed to my room and dug out none other that the Mr. Sad. This was sure to stop her from digging, you know what I’m saying?
When I returned she was sitting on the bed and I did the old “Ta-da!”
She gave me a look that said, “Oh, please,” and then she followed that up with. “Womp-womp.”
I pretended like I was offended. “What? You don’t find him attractive?”
To which she said, “No wonder the giant sprung for this.” She held up the bottle-brush monster. “He’d need it because little finger there, isn’t going to cut it when he gets wax build up.”
And you know? She had a point. To this day, I still call the sad guy, little finger. Hahaha!
There, now you know my secret. Honey still hasn’t seen Little Finger. He’d probably laugh his ass off if he did.
Such is life around Riley’s house.
You guys have anything happen like this to you before?
Ooooh. Maybe it’s time I pass on the joy. Yeah, maybe I should wrap the bottle-brush monster and send it to my brother in-law for Christmas. That way I could be sure there’d be some awkward situation going on at their house over the holidays. If I sent it to my sis, she’d trash it and tell me it wasn’t funny — but, think about it. If I sent it to her husband to surprise her? He’d be all over that idea.
Oh, boy. Santie Clause is going to be steaming despite the cold when he hears me cooking up these kinds of ideas…
But hey, it’s not my fault. I love to spread the joy. Can I help it if I’m the one who sometimes experiences the most of it? Nope. It just happens that way. 😀
As always, thanks for stopping by.
Tomorrow? It’s back to our build-a giveaway!
Stay tuned. I’m decidedly cheerful going into the Christmas count down so anything could happen. Don’t tell Honey! 😀